By Stacy Jenel Smith and Emily Feimster
With reports that Eva Longoria
was annoyed over Teri Hatcher
getting the best swimsuit for the forthcoming "Desperate Housewives" Vanity Fair cover, are we going to be off and running with "Desperate" catfight stories?
Aw, come on - please?!
After all, ever since Eva and Teri and Nicollette Sheridan and Marcia Cross and Felicity Huffman came to the forefront of fame with this season's hottest hit, people (especially the tabloids) have been salivating over the idea of the five darlings baring their egos and going for their costars' pretty jugulars, figuratively speaking, of course.
Back in November, a Star cover promised to tell "Who hates who!" in a "Desperate Housewives Real-Life Feud." Nicollette Sheridan, they clained, badmouths Teri and Teri thinks Nicollette is abrasive. Both had dated Michael Bolton, too. But anyway, the point is, there's more than shaudenfreude for us in celebrity feuds. There's entertainment value. There are vicarious thrills.
For us everyday folk, the expression of aggravation with a coworker might be confined to, say, abruptly leaving the lunch room when he or she walks in.
For out-there Hollywood stars, however, such aggravation could be demonstrated by bending over, flipping up one's skirt and deliberately passing gas in the offender's face, or by refusing to wear pants.
Those tidbits are real.
Credit for the skirt lift-flatulence stunt goes to Debra Winger, who famously feuded with her on-camera mother, Shirley MacLaine, during the making of their Oscar- winning film "Terms of Endearment."
And the pantscapade was, as Hollywood feud followers may recall, the late Marlon Brando's way of keeping director and feud opponent Frank Oz from photographing his bottom half when they were making "The Score." Perhaps he would have told Oz how he felt about being photographed from the waist down, except Brando was refusing to talk to Oz at the time.
Brando's feuds also include his famous set-to with feud-prone Val Kilmer on "The Island of Dr. Moreau." He went to the trouble of having his motorhome dressing room moved away from Kilmer's, and when he did speak to Kilmer, he reportedly said, "You are confusing your talent with the size of your paycheck."
There isn't enough space to recount Kilmer's feuds, but one example is "Red Planet," which shot in Jordan and Australia,. Kilmer and the now-prison-bound Tom Sizemore engaged in a nasty feud that reportedly began with Kilmer being annoyed over a fancy exercise machine Sizemore demanded the production bring to location from England. Things got so bad, Kilmer would reportedly not come out of his trailer if Tom was on the set - a tough way to make a movie. Many of their scenes together were filmed over shoulders of photo doubles, if we are to believe setside reports. And Kilmer reportedly refused to say Sizemore's character's name, substituting things like "Hey, you!"
In the Feuding Teens category, of course we have the notorious Lindsay Lohan-Hilary Duff feud, with such antics as Lindsay - and we must stress, ALLEGEDLY -- egging the Range Rover belonging to Hilary's mom, Susan. What started out as a beef over Aaron Carter, who dated both girls, keeps re-emerging despite assurances that everyone is more mature and wiser and has put it behind her. In December, Good Charlotte's Joel Madden, who was linked to Duff, was widely-reported as refusing to give Lindsay's 8-year-old brother an autograph at a New York party unless she publicly apologized to Hilary first.
When it comes to the world of rap, it's not uncommon for there to be a major battle between two rappers wanting to be the king of the streets. After all, the feud between Tupac and the Notorious B.I.G. ended in both their deaths. A few years ago the most public battle was between Jay-Z and Nas who publicly dissed each other over and over again in their albums. More recently has been the beef between gangsta' rapper 50 Cent and Ja Rule. In March 2000, 50 Cent was beaten and stabbed by Murder Inc.'s Irv "Gotti" Lorenzo and his brother Christopher. For those out of the loop, Murder Inc. is Ja Rule's record label.
Lately the violence has remained verbal with 50 attacking Ja Rule's street credibility by referring to him as a faux gangsta, whom he derides as a "wanksta." Though Ja Rule bit back in his "Blood in My Eye" disc, saying "I'll probably go to jail fo' sending 50 to hell," his being embroiled in this beef has brought nothing but dwindling record sales. In fact, the first-week sales of Ja Rule's CD, which is over-the-top with threats against 50 Cent, were the worst in his history at Murder Inc.
For those who prefer feuding lite, TV is now cannibalizing its own famous feuds as fodder for movies - the most recent of which was "Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of 'Mork & Mindy,'" depicting Robin Williams spiraling through the first crush of fame. A big ratings winner recreated the "Three's Company" tussle - a classic feud, with a too-demanding Suzanne Somers relegated to phoning in her part, literally, from a phone booth, thereby avoiding aggravated costars John Ritter and Joyce DeWitt. Last year there was a telepic about "Dynasty," with its great catfights on and off-camera. (Personal favorite moment: the Emmys, when Joan Collins bulldozed her way in-between Diahann Carroll and Linda Evans for best position at the podium.) Cable brought us "The Late Shift," the story behind the whole David Letterman/Jay Leno/"Tonight Show" brouhaha.
"Charlie's Angels" holds the distinction of behind-the-scenes fussin' both as a television series and in the feature film realm. Farrah Fawcett was the demanding-then-departing diva back in the 70s. When Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu took on the mantle of the "Angels" for the big screen, the big fight was between Liu and Bill Murray, who played Bosley - and did not return for the sequel.
Tacky feud honors probably go to Anna Nicole Smith vs. Howard Stern (the radio DJ, not her lawyer). Howard referred to her as a porky pig on the air back when she was fat and tried to get her on a scale. So when she lost weight she took her E! camera crew to his show to make him apologize and he refused to let the cameras in so she left in a huff, giving him the middle finger on camera.
No one knows how to feud like Hollywood's own Shannen Doherty, whose trouble began during her days on "Beverly Hills 90210." So many tales of fighting, prima donna behavior and aggravation followed her from the teen soap (from which she departed at the end of season four), industry insiders were stunned when the very same producer who'd endured her on "90210" - Aaron Spelling - put her into the WB's "Charmed." It wouldn't be long before she and Alyssa Milano were on the outs. When Doherty's diva-like antics became too much, her character Prue was killed off but that didn't stop her from bad-mouthing her co-stars.
When recently asked whether Shannen would ever return to guest on the show, producer Brad Kern said no way, and added "we played the death of that sister real for a reason."
Doherty's run-ins don't just happen on set. A few years ago, she and Paris Hilton had a major battle going on between them after Paris began dating Doherty's ex-husband Rick Salomon (yes, Paris's partner in crime in the infamous sex scandal). Their distaste for each other gave people plenty to talk about after a few public cat fights in which both girls accused the other of getting physical.
Say, how about "Behind the Cameras: Shannen Doherty"?