Men Think She's Gay
Q: I think I need to change something about the way I look because guys keep thinking I like women. When I go out with my single girlfriend, guys will ask if we're roommates or something like that. We're both attractive, athletic women. We don't dress frilly but we don't dress too plain either. We wear jewelry and stuff. I can't figure out what's making these guys think I'm not into them? Once they start talking to me, they seem interested. But I don't want to give off a vibe that scares them away. Help! -Kylie-26
Dr. Pamela: Please keep in mind that when men are considering making the first approach, they don't know anything about you. Most men will start conversations with any woman, gay or not, who dresses well, behaves respectively and appears to feel comfortable in her own skin. There are main four main reasons — looking gay isn't one of them — that men don't approach women in social situations.
The first reason is the obvious one that a man doesn't think a woman is attractive. You don't have to look as if you are right off the cover of Vogue magazine; but always try and look your best when you go out. It sounds as if you have that one down. The second reason also has to do with looks, but in the opposite way. A man may feel that a very attractive woman is "out of his league." When a man considers approaching you, he needs to know that he has a reasonable shot at some conversation. If you're seen as a "nine" or a "ten," the majority of men won't be confident enough to think that you would give them a chance. Reason number three is that a guy won't come up and chat if you appear busy or preoccupied. That can happen unintentionally; two women seated together in a noisy bar or restaurant may lean into one another. Their body language gives men the signal to stay back and not interrupt what seems like an important and private conversation. Finally, if men feel you require more effort than they're willing to put forth, they will choose not to pursue you.
Try to forget for a while what others think. What matters most is how you feel about yourself. You have to honor what you want, stay as open as you possibly can, and relax and enjoy the evening.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.