Her Fantasies Won't Stop
Q: I have a boyfriend who I have been with for a long time and who I love very much, though lately our love life has seemed a little dull. My guy is a great lover, so what more could a girl ask for? However, recently I got a promotion and now I work very closely with one of the bosses. I have a very strong sexual attraction to him. I'm not at all interested in him romantically, in fact I find him a little obnoxious. But I just can't stop my body from reacting the way it does when he talks to me. I have even started fantasizing about him when I have sex with my boyfriend. My head tells me I'm stupid for even considering starting something messy with this older married man I work with, especially since I don't want to break up with my boyfriend because he's wonderful. But my body tells me to invite him to a hotel for lunch! How do I stop myself from these insane feelings? Please help! -- Nancy, 22
Dr. Susan: What you need to know is that just about everyone has what you call "these insane feelings." For most of us, if we're happily married (or at least committed), the feelings come and go and we learn to accept them as normal. The more time you spend together with a particular interesting specimen, the more intense those feelings can get. Yet anyone with a functioning brain, anyone who can see ahead a few hours (as you seem to be able to do), does not act on those passing feelings. Your young and hormone-infused body must not be allowed to be the boss in such matters. What if your boyfriend were to act on his urges every time he spied a lovely female? Believe me, you'd be beyond distraught.
Take that re-awakened libido home to your own guy. Tell him that he's the best lover you can imagine, and you know the two of you can spice things up a bit. Try it in different places, at different times, whatever freshens up the old routines. And don't worry if you fantasize about your boss while having sex. That's not infidelity, and believe me, your guy isn't always thinking of you during sex, either. Don't ask, don't tell -- unless you can handle the resulting intense feelings.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.