Cougar Needs Help
Q: I put a personal ad on a cougar site (older women seeking younger men) and got a response right away from Joe. I'm 48, he's 28. We went out and had a great time, and then he didn't call me the following weekend. The next Thursday he sent me a text saying he was sick all weekend and really wanted to see me. We went out that Saturday and everything went great! We went to see a band, cuddled and danced. The chemistry is awesome. We went to his place, did some heavy making out but no actual sex. He told me how sexy I was and when I had to leave in the wee hours of the morning because of work, he even said bye babe. I texted him the following afternoon telling him that I had a nice time and that he was sexy and hot! A couple of days later he texted me saying, "I had a good time too!" Here it is now the following Friday night and I've heard nothing from him. I am so confused. Is this the way 28-year-old guys act, or is he waiting for me to make the next move? What do you suggest I do? -- Nancy, 48
Dr. Susan: In every relationship, no matter what age the partners are, a little confusion is normal. Sometimes you have to put your hormones and fantasies on hold and step back and think. I wouldn't necessarily say that Joe's lack of follow-through is due to his age. From the beginning, he doesn't seem to have found you as compelling as you found him. Let's lay out your dating history with Joe and see if we can detect a pattern: One good date, a weekend of his being "sick," another good date, then you tell him via text message that he's hot and he responds days later with a noncommittal "I had a good time." I don't know that he's necessarily waiting for you to call, but it wouldn't hurt. After all, there are plenty of other women on that site, and other sites, too. Maybe he was just trying out the older woman/younger man scenario. He had fun and that's all there was to it for him. You'll never know if you don't make the effort to communicate beyond a simple text message. It would be foolish to lock yourself into the old scenario of waiting by the phone forever. That's so two generations ago!
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.