No Love in Her Life
Q: I'm in my mid-40s, and I have never have had a boyfriend or even a date. I know I am not beautiful but even guys who are below average are repulsed by me. I want to meet someone but now I feel it's too late. It's getting to the point where I don't want to live anymore because I really do hate being alone. I have done the dating sites and get no responses. Someone helped me pick out the pictures to post and they said the pictures looked OK. How can I accept the fact that I will never know what it is like to have love in my life? -- Jane, 45
Dr. Susan: Don't accept any such fact yet! I empathize with your desire not to be alone. And I certainly get it that it's really hard to get a guy's attention when you're not traditionally beautiful or young. But perhaps if you widened your net a bit? There may be a number of older guys out there, widowers or divorced men, who would be happy to have a mate like you. You say you've tried the dating sites, but have you tried ALL of them? In my experience, the free sites are a waste of time unless you fit a certain set of specifications. The sites you pay for, or the more specialized sites, MAY work a little better for you.
Beyond that, you need to get out more, involve yourself in activities and causes and organizations that draw both men and women. If you focus more on others, more outside yourself than on what's lacking in your own life, you may find that you attract more interest. No one can guarantee that, of course. Be sure you get a medical and psychological check-up, too, while you're at it, just in case your depression over this whole situation is bringing you so far down that no one will find you appealing or fun to be with.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.