Suspects Hubby is Gay
Q: I've been married 22 years, have 3 boys, and I think my husband's gay. He's a good guy but years ago a male co-worker was very close to him, and I found out he was gay. I asked my husband about this, with late visits, calls, gifts for the kids from this fellow. He said I was crazy. Years later I find gay porn on his computer, and he started sleeping on the couch. I don't know what to do. - Trish, 45
Dr. Susan: The gay porn is probably as good a give-a-way as anything, though I suppose if he peeked at a site out of curiosity once, that wouldn't mean anything. Most straight men don't find gay porn appealing. After all, there are no women in it! It's hard to say what might have been going on all those years ago with the gay co-worker--they could have been friends. It's true, though, that when someone is having an affair, the first thing they do is call their mates crazy for suspecting them.
Before you sit your husband down and insist on (or beg for) the truth, you might consider your options. If he does finally admit to being gay (or half-gay or whatever way he might shade the facts), what will you do? Could you stay in a sexless marriage with a man who has a whole other life without you? If not, then think about how you would lay the groundwork for being on your own. If you can keep this amicable, it will be better for your sons. Of course, you'd have every right to be furious for the secret-keeping. Still, ask your husband to explain, and try to understand, his motivations. Don't just be laughed off this time.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.