Husband's Old "Soul Mate"
Q: My husband of 35 years recently did an extended search to find what he calls his "soul mate" and swears that he did not contact her. He did pull up pictures and general info on her. I then started checking into his e-mail, Facebook, and phone records and found that he and a supposed friend that he worked with (she is no longer employed there) have had contact with each other through e-mail and texting. He swears that they are just friends. I even considered ending our marriage. He said he was deleting her number from his phone but I ended up doing it. He did close his Facebook account but still insists on keeping her e-mail address. Am I wrong to ask him not to have contact with her? -- Cindy, 63
Dr. Susan: If your husband wants you to trust him again, he owes you totally transparent behavior. He should not be secretly in touch with old lovers or so-called soul mates. If he insists on maintaining friendships with females he used to work with, you need to be allowed to see what they're communicating about. Especially as he has demonstrated he is a liar. Secrets are titillating for the secret-keepers, but horrible for the left-out party. Help your husband to see that his secretive behavior is destroying your love for him. Let him know you understand that it's not easy to give up such friendships Yet, if he values your marriage, he has to make a choice.
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Advice for Her
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.