She Blew Him Off
Q: I was in a four-year relationship with a woman I still believe is "the one." I'm 29 and have been in many other relationships, but for sure she's my last. We ended the relationship this past September because through her inexperience, she did not want to commit because she wanted to "see what else was out there." I also scared her with talk of marriage. She's currently in a new relationship, and regardless, I still feel that "connection." Do you think it's time for me to move on? I've tried my best to date, but to no avail. -- Quentin
Dr. Susan: Your certainty that she's your last best hope for love is a little scary. She's blown you off in the gentlest way she knew how, by telling you she needed her space. After four years with you, she opted to try some other guys. You don't scare someone by talking about marriage after a four-year courtship. You delight them, if they're on the same page as you are, and feeling the same strong loving connection. This young woman needed to move on, and apparently has already connected with someone else. While it's incredibly painful to let go of someone you loved so deeply and for so long, I don't see that you have any logical choice. You can stalk her, but you mustn't. You can keep insisting you feel the connection that she is trying to sever, but that's a little out of touch with reality. Though it's always best to be "over" someone before seriously dating again, sometimes you have to get out there and socialize and make friends and find new interests before you can get over someone. The next few months won't be easy, but you will stop hurting if you stay away from her and keep yourself busy.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.