Who Should Snitch on Cheater?
Q: My girlfriend has a friend who keeps hanging out with my roommate. The problem is my buddy also keeps bringing home random girls and letting them sleep over. My GF sees this happening and feels guilty like she should tell her friend. I told her it's none of her business. It's the bro code that I don't rat out my friend. She said it's girl code to tell your friend if her boyfriend's cheating. I told her he's not her boyfriend, they're just hanging out. I'm not really sure what's happening but I don't want to get in the middle of it. Let them figure it out. But my girlfriend is driving me crazy about it. What are we supposed to do? I just don't want them mad at us and I want my GF to let it go. --Ken, 23
Dr. Susan: You're probably both right about the bro code vs. the girl code. You don't want to get involved in your roommate's private life. And your girlfriend feels like she's being forced into a situation where she is being asked, in effect, to lie to another female. Yes, it's lying if she acts like nothing is going on when she is in a conversation with this girl who probably thinks your boyfriend's roommate is being monogamous with her.
Your GF shouldn't have to feel obligated to hang out in the presence of a girl she believes is being cheated on. I laud your girlfriend for having a moral code in which dishonesty makes her uncomfortable. So here's what you do: meet your girlfriend away from your shared apartment from now on, after explaining to your roomie why she isn't comfortable being there now. If he insists that his GF isn't actually a GF, and that she knows she isn't his only intimate partner, then fine. Regardless, if you value your girlfriend, her feelings should matter most to you.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.