He Can't Let Go

Q: I'm 28 and my girlfriend of four-plus years left me a few months back. We were so happy that I didn't see it coming. She told me that I was depressed, and that I wasn't giving her enough attention and that she was high maintenance. She left me with a home in both our names and only calls when she needs something or on a holiday. She now tells me that we are incompatible although she loves me as a person. I just can't get this whole thing out of my head without some sort of real answers or closure. I am driving myself insane and just wish I knew if I should be her friend and change her mind, or just say "you got what you wanted and now just leave me alone." -- Jack

Dr. Susan: I can hear how frustrated and obsessed you are with your former girlfriend, but you will have to obtain closure for yourself by not having contact with her anymore. Forget about getting "real answers." She's told you all she is able to, that she wanted a different kind of relationship. Either you missed the signs of her discontent (easy to do if you were depressed), or she was a good liar until she was ready to call it quits. Any woman who leaves you because you're depressed and thus not able to cater to her needs enough, without giving you a fair chance to work on the relationship, is probably not worth going insane over. You're not going to "change her mind" by being "her friend." Sometimes it's simply impossible to remain friends with someone you've loved. She's not the same person she was. If I were you, I'd stop taking this "high maintenance" person's calls "when she needs something." Sell the house and split the proceeds, quick, because the longer you stay entangled with her, the harder it will be to regain your balance. Time for a fresh start.

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