His Trainer Messes With His Head
Q: I joined a gym a year ago and got a trainer to help me lose weight. When I reached the 65 lbs. mark, my trainer took me out to dinner to celebrate and, to my surprise, after dinner he took me home to meet his parents. After all this he has begun asking me questions about my sexuality and "The How To Be Gay" manual. He had a girlfriend when we met a year ago, but since then he left her and moved into an apartment by himself. My feelings for him are getting strong even though my head tells me to leave it alone. What should I do? Should I pursue romantically? PS: He tells everybody at the gym that he loves me very much. -- Sam, 57
Dr. Susan: Be very wary when your heart and your head pull you in opposite directions. From what you've said, it appears that you are gay but he isn't, or at least he hasn't come out as such before he met you. I take it that he is considerably younger than you are. And now he's coming on to you and claiming to love you (though not to your face). I can see how that would be confusing. There's something untrustworthy about his taking you home unexpectedly to meet his parents, the premature announcing of his feelings to people at the gym. It's possible that he is just discovering his own sexuality, and from working with you, he's grown attached and thinks you're the one he wants to "try it out" on. I can't help but think that someone is going to get hurt here (you?) unless you get everything out in the open. I don't know what your qualms are, but at your age, you probably know yourself pretty well. Your head could be telling you something crucial. I'm afraid I don't know enough about what you're seeking in a relationship to say much more.
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Advice for Her
Advice for Him
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.