Permission to Cheat?
Q: I'm in a relationship with my girlfriend that has lasted for over 20 years now. She and I are friends with this girl who we will go visit from time to time to buy some stuff, or a lot of the times it will be me running over to see her for a few moments to pick up something. Every time I meet up with her for a few moments, I'm always turned on by the tiny outfits she wears. I also know she's stepped out on her boyfriend that she's been with for about the same amount of time I've been with my girlfriend. I want to say something to her, but I always chicken out. Mostly because I start wondering what would happen if she's not into me like that or if she rejects me, then I could end up losing her as a friend! Or she could mention what I said to my girlfriend and I'd end up in trouble that way too. Still, every time I'm face to face with her I keep getting these vibes that she's feeling the same way. So is there any way I can let her know what I'm feeling that wouldn't backfire on me ?? Please help me if you can! -- Russell, 43
Dr. Susan: You want a safe and secure way to sneak around with a mutual friend behind your long-time girlfriend's back? There's no such thing. She may be toying with you by dressing flirtatiously when you stop by. Or that's just her way. She hasn't exactly been the faithful type herself, which means she's untrustworthy. That means if you start up with her, your girlfriend probably WILL find out. It's natural to be turned on by other women, but to act on those passing feelings would run the risk of turning your whole life upside down. Are you ready to badly hurt and possibly lose your girlfriend for the chance of a momentary, unpredictable thrill? This so-called friend probably already gets it that she's turning you on. You really don't need to say anything to her. But it ought to stop right there. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.