Q: I have met the most suitable lovely, sexy, brilliant, creative and caring woman. She is my best friend since we met a year ago. We have a unique spiritual and intimate relationship. I am confident that she is the one for me. However, there is another side of her that makes me uneasy. She is bisexual. Since we have been together she has not felt the need to have an affair. She is very happy with me but tells me she can't make promises for our future. Right now she loves me and only wants me. I want to marry her and accept her sexuality. But I fear her starting a relationship with another woman and leaving me. I'm 35, we each have kids, and we've discussed marriage, but lately she doesn't want to talk about it. I think that she is having jitters and desires to attend to her other side. How can I calm down and not get so jealous or nervous that she will go off and find a new mate? -- Leo
Dr. Susan: So she's perfect except for one thing: she won't commit to being faithful over the long haul. It's not her bisexuality that's the stickler here -- it's her insistence on being allowed to follow her whims in the future. Think of it this way: each of us may be attracted to someone else during a marriage. We'd hardly be normal if we never were! Why should it matter if your girlfriend is attracted to men, women, or both? Once she commits to you, she needs to forgo those other possibilities -- if that's the deal you've both agreed to abide by. So long as she won't promise to do that, you won't be able to calm down and get beyond your jealousy.
You might have to leave those conversations about marriage on hold for a while longer until she's more certain of her ability to be true to you. Give yourself, but not necessarily her, a deadline. Can you remain loving, low pressure, and reassuring for another year, if need be? During that time, both of you need to talk absolutely honestly about your fears and insecurities and how you might deal with future temptations if you do decide to commit to one another for keeps.
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Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D., is a social psychologist, relationship expert, and bestselling and award-winning author. Her books include Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way, and Kylie's Heel, a novel for adults.
Pamela G. Chollet, Ph.D.
Dr. Pamela Chollet has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and Master degrees in educational psychology and fine arts. Her passion has been helping people face and get through those times when they feel trapped and unable to move forward.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D.
Anna Charbonneau, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, stress management expert, and author. If you're feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, or struggling to make changes in your life, Anna can help.