Is Your Ex Still in Bed with You?
Sleeping with that first new person after a break-up can be stressful. You thought you were totally over your ex, but, suddenly, youíre faced with raw (and naked!) memories. Even if youíre sure you donít want him or her back, itís often hard to shake those demons.
Why is your ex still haunting you sexually?
The sex was amazing.
You shared the most amazing sexual chemistry with your last partner (too bad you didnít share anything else). Your new lover is sweet and kind, but the sex just isnít as great. But before you bail on your new relationship, make sure you arenít idealizing your past. Be reasonable to your new partner; good loviní takes time. Itís not fair to compare your 200th time with an ex to your second time with someone new. If youíre still having trouble, try to figure out what made things so great before Ė spontaneity? More foreplay? Ė and find ways to incorporate that into your new union.
The sex was awful.
If bad sex was a reason for your last break up, it makes sense that you might associate love making with feeling bored, frustrated or uncomfortable. But if you got a bruise snowboarding that wouldnít stop you from doing it, would it? Itís not the act you need to avoid, just the bruises. Remind yourself Ė frequently Ė that your new lover isnít the old one. If you canít convince yourself, you may need to seek professional help to get over your bad association.
The sex was wild.
Find yourself missing the crazy times you had with your ex? Thatís okay, but keep your new partnerís ego in mind before you speak up. Make sure youíve established a good physical and emotional foundation before you spring your experimental ideas. Suggest a ďnewĒ position or idea as a fun thing to try together, not as something your ex always did.
The sex was dull.
Boring sex Ė like bad sex Ė can lead you to set the bar very low when it comes to future relationships. And unfortunately, that can become self-fulfilling prophecy. Youíll wind up taking a passive role in your sexual relationships because of uncertainty or insecurity. Think back on your last relationship. What might have you done differently? Maybe suggested something new? Maybe agreed to trying something you were a little afraid to? Learn from those experiences and when a similar situation comes up with your new partner, act on what you know now.
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