By Claire Aldrich

The breakup out of the blue is definitely a shocker, whether it happens to you or one of your friends. What's going on with these stealth breakups? Where were the signs of unhappiness? Why didn't you know it was coming?

You Missed the Signs
Stealth breakups usually aren't really a surprise, at least not to those around the unhappy couple. They say that love is blind. Well, sometimes we get so entrenched in a relationship and our own point of view that we don't see how unhappy our partner is.

Maybe he's expressed his frustration with your nagging and you simply think, "Well, if you'd just do your part, I wouldn't have to nag!" Maybe she's told you she's tired of being a golf widow and would like to spend more time together. You think, "This is who I am. Deal with it!"

You're Resistant to Change
What tends to happen with stealth breakups is that one partner grows unhappy with the status quo, and the other partner dismisses those feelings because he or she is not willing to change. We've heard the standard advice over and over: "You can't teach an old dog new tricks," or "Don't expect him (or her) to change." Yet growing and changing are part of any successful relationship and any successful person.

Do you really believe you're perfect the way you are? Would you want to be the person you were five or 10 years ago? Do you want to be exactly the same a decade from now? Would you like to keep repeating your mistakes or would you rather learn from them? If you have any self-awareness, then you must know that you have room for improvement.

You're Lacking Perspective
Of course you don't want a lover who tries to make you over into some image of the perfect partner. You want someone whom you can trust to love the real you. But the real you doesn't have to say, "take me or leave me the way I am." Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If you want a real, lasting relationship, the real you should be willing to work at it.

Let's face it: If your breakup came "from out of the blue," it's because you were blind to the signs of unhappiness. Just ask your friends. They'll tell you that the signs were there but you weren't looking.

Don't beat yourself up about your previous blind spots or become bitter toward the opposite sex. After you get over the hurt a bit, try to take an honest look at what you can do next time to promote a relationship with better communication, emotional trust, healthy growth and a strong attraction to the real you--all the versions of you that you're striving to become.