He Loves Someone Else
I'm dating a guy three years younger than me, and he told me before we started dating that he was in love with someone else. We have become close friends and lovers, but when she calls he'll go right back to her. She doesn't have feelings for him, but he says he's in love with her. What should I do? -- Amy, 42
It always amazes me that people don't take would-be love interests at their word. If someone tells you he's a jerk, you should believe it. If someone tells you he loves someone else, believe it. He started dating you without giving you his full attention. You let yourself be used as a stop-gap for him. This other woman may really not have any interest in him, but he's looking for something or someone other than you. He may fall for someone else, or this other woman make return to the picture. Meanwhile, you're doing all the compromising and getting yourself stuck in a bad situation. Tell him to go get his head straightened out before coming back to you. Maybe a counselor would help him see he's chasing a fantasy with this other "unavailable" woman. Maybe if you're not so available yourself for a while, he'll realize you're "the one." True friends don't sleep with you while talking about the other woman they love.
Susan K. Perry, Ph.D.,
is a social psychologist and relationship expert. She is a bestselling and award-winning author whose latest book is "Loving in Flow: How the Happiest Couples Get and Stay That Way." She has written for and been quoted in Cosmopolitan, Psychology Today, Family Circle, Women's Health & Fitness, YM, USA Today, The Los Angeles Times, Child, and many others. She also consults and teaches writing online. Read her complete bio!
NOTE: The information contained herein is provided for information purposes, and not intended as a substitute for advice or treatment that may or should be prescribed by your physician or recommended by your therapist.