Just Can't Let Go

Well, let's see, where do I start? Josh and I were young when we met. I had just turned eighteen, and he was twenty-one. We were just buddies at first. He was dating a girl that I knew, but she was cheating on him. She would bring other guys over to my house which really bothered me because Josh and I had become so close. I finally had it when she brought another guy to my house and had sex with him in my bathroom. And after he had left, she called another guy to come over! Later that night, Josh came over to have dinner, and I just had to tell him. After I did, he called her and told her that it was over. Over the next couple of weeks, Josh and I hung out more and more. The guy I was seeing at the time was Josh's best friend and had just become a sheriff. He found out that I was under eighteen and said that we couldn't see each other anymore as far as dating went. I was cool with it because we had only been seeing each other for a couple of weeks anyway. One day, the two of them came over, had dinner, and we all hung out. We watched a movie. When it was time to go, I walked the guys to their cars. I gave Josh a hug goodbye and then walked Rob to his car. That's when Rob dropped a bomb on me. He said, "You know, Josh really likes you." I said, "He likes me?" Rob said, "Yeah. You're all he talks about." It never donned on me that my buddy and I could be a couple! "Are you serious?" I asked. Rob nodded his head and said, "You two are perfect for each other." I hugged Rob goodbye and walked back over to Josh's car. He had his window down. We chatted for a few minutes while Rob drove away. For the first time, I looked at Josh in a whole new way. As we chatted, I became extremely attracted to him. I wondered where all of this was coming from. Our eyes met, and I got butterflies in my stomach. I asked if he wanted to stay around for a while. I explained that my parents wouldn't be home until midnight and that I didn't want to be home alone. Josh shut off his car and walked me back to the door. As I opened the door, I casually said, "So, Rob says you like me." He responded, "Uh, well, um, yeah. I do." Then, with a huge grin on his face, Josh asked, "When did Rob say that?" "Just now," I said. We went into the living room. He sat on the over-stuffed chair, and I took a seat on the floor about six feet in front of him. The lights were off, but the kitchen lights were on and cast a glow into the living room. "So, when were you going to tell me?" I asked him. "Who say I was going to tell you?" he replied with a sarcastic tone. I walked over to the stereo and put on some Barry White. "Well, what are you going to do about it?" I asked as I walked back over to him. However, this time I didn't sit on the floor. I straddled his lap and said, "Now what?" He started to tickle me, so I tickled him back more. I squirmed around on his lap, and the more I did so, the more I realized just what was in his pants. At one point our faces got very close to one another. I looked into his eyes and my heart was pounding. We kissed, and it was the best kiss I'd ever had. I hadn't had many, but at this time in my life out of the six or so guys that I had kissed, this one was surely the hottest, deepest, and most passionate kiss I had ever had. To this day he still has the best kisses I have ever had. His hands slid up the small of my back up to the middle of my back. Then he pulled me close to him. After we made out for an hour or so, I said, "I don't typically make out with my friends. So, you're single. I'm single. Why don't we to out?" He laughed and then said yes. Then we made out some more. He went for the gold metal and I gave it to him. We said goodbye at the door, and ten minutes later my parents arrived home. We were together from then on. At one point, Josh moved into my parents' house and stayed in their spare bedroom. We were in love hot and heavy. We made love all the time. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. One afternoon, just as my dad had left for work, Josh came home, walked in my room, threw me on the bed, pulled my clothes off, and just took what he wanted. It was so hot. As we were going at it, he looked at me and said, "I love you, Kirstein." I told him that I loved him, too. That afternoon we discussed marriage. We went right to the mall and bought an engagement ring. I had never been so happy in my whole life! We told my mom the news. She wasn't too thrilled, but gave in and said to Josh, "You better take care of my baby girl." A few weeks went by, and everything was grand. Mom and I shopped for wedding dresses, looked at hotels for the wedding location, etc. Josh worked during the day while I went to school. At night we would go out together. Life was grand. One day I arrived home at about the same time Josh was getting home from work. We hit the sheets and, as he reached for the condom, I stopped him. "I want to have your baby," I said as tears welled up in my eyes. "Really?" he said. I nodded my head. After two months of trying to get pregnant, we succeeded! I got the results from the doctor and couldn't wait to tell everyone. I waited until my mom was in the shower, and then I cracked open the door and said, "Hey, Mom, guess what? I'm pregnant!" "Well, that figures," she said. I quickly shut the door and ran to the phone to call Josh's mom. He was supposed to stop by there on his way home from work. Josh's mom, Janet, answered the phone. I asked if Josh had arrived there yet. When she said that he hadn't, I told her the news anyway. "Janet, you're going to be a grandma!" She was so happy, and promised to have Josh call me as soon as he got there. When he called, I told him that I got the results back from the doctor and that we were pregnant! Not ten minutes later he came running through our door. He grabbed me, swung me around, rubbed my tummy and said, "Our little baby's in there!" Well, Joshua Christopher was born nine months later, and three months after that we married. Nine months after that our second son was born. But things did not end up happily ever after. The next seven years were spent in a rocky, passionate love that ended in divorce. I must have left him ten times during those seven years because he drank a lot and would become mean. But in between those break-ups, we would miss each other so desperately that we'd end up getting back together again. We had one more child before I left for good and filed for divorce. We saw each other at court mediation and afterwards we had sex. Then we would see each other when I took the kids to see him and we'd have sex. Then I got pissed when I heard he was seeing some other girl. One time I took the kids to see him, and they were sitting on a bench waiting for me to pick him up, and she kissed him intentionally so that I would see it. I was fuming. That's when I realized that I still loved him. We went camping at the beach, and we had sex. I moved close to him for a while, and we had a lot of sex. However, he was still seeing that girl and now they are moving in together. I moved away because it just hurt too much. I still took the kids to see him, and we still had amazing sex. I told him I wanted him back, but he said no. But a while later, I got a call from him. He said he had broken up with the girl and that he wanted me to come up to be with him. I packed up and moved up to where he lived. We had a hot summer of love that ended with me pregnant again. Although we spent most of our time together, we still had our separate places. So, I called him up and told him that I needed him to come over right away. I showed him the pregnancy test and told him I was pregnant. A few days later my doctor confirmed the result. I spent the next six weeks with him at his place, going home to mine only to get clothes and things as I needed them. One time I was at my house and realized that Josh hadn't called me, and it was getting late, so I called him. When he answered I asked him what he was doing. "Being reunited," he said. "Reunited?" I responded. "Yeah. Susan is here and we're getting back together." I lost my freaking mind! "Does she know I'm pregnant and that we're seeing each other?" I demanded. He just stumbled in trying to answer. I lost it and screamed, "Let me talk to her! Let me talk to her!" He kept saying no, but then I heard them scuffle with the phone until she got it away from him. "Do you know I'm pregnant and that we're together?!" I yelled through the phone at her. "Josh said you're not seeing each other," she said, "and if you are pregnant then it's not his." "Bull!" I screamed. "I'm coming over there!" and I hung up the phone. I grabbed my keys and headed for the door. I heard the phone ring and the answering machine pick up. "Kirstein, don't come over here!" I heard him saying on the phone. When I got to his house I screamed, "Josh, get the hell out here!" At the top of my lungs I yelled, "You son of a bitch! You asked me to move three hundred miles from my home. I dropped out of nursing school to take care of you. I changed my whole life for you, and now you're getting back with her?!" I was so hurt that words couldn't express it. "You can not deny this baby! You know it's yours!" When Josh came out he said, "I know. I know. Now calm down. I just can't have another baby right now." "Too bad," I hollered, "I'm having this baby, and you're going to give it everything it needs!" Then I demanded he give me all of my things. He loaded all onto my truck. I sped out of there sending gravel into his house windows. I cried all the way home. I cried all that night. I cried all that week. Three weeks later I had a miscarriage. That night, I called Josh but his roommate answered. So, I told her to tell him that I had lost the baby. He never called me back. I went on with my life and got married. Josh got married to her. I moved back to my home town. Then a few weeks later I was laying in bed with my new husband when the phone rang. It was Josh. He was crying and said that he needed me. He told me that his dad had unexpectedly died and asked if I could come and get him. I said okay and hung up the phone. I explained to my husband that my ex's father had died and that he wanted me to pick him up and take him to his mother's house. When I got there, his wife stood at the door with a really pissed-off look on her face. Josh threw his bags in the back and jumped in. He reached around, kissed the kids, and said, "Let's go." As we drove, Josh kept staring at me. Then he said, "You really look good." Then he leaned over and kissed my neck. When we had stopped for gas along the way, I went in and used the bathroom. Josh followed behind me. He pushed the bathroom door shut behind us and locked it. I was weakened by his kiss. I made him stop, though, since the kids were out in the car. But I must admit, I loved it. My current husband was stable, honest, had a good job, and didn't drink. But he just didn't have the passion that Josh had. We finally arrived at his mother's house. We spent time with the family, and then Josh led me to his old room where we went at it. I couldn't believe that I had cheated on my husband with my ex-husband! We got together frequently for the three weeks he was home. My husband wondered what was going on with me, but I just put my distance off to being tired from working double shifts. Then one night when I stopped at Josh's mother's house to see him, his mother informed me that Josh had left to bring his wife up. I cried the whole way home. Now he says he's staying with her because of his baby boy, and I go on with my life still loving him from a distance.

— Kirstein, 35

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