Best Cover-up Ever

I have the honor of having been in the worst dating disaster of all time. It began when a hot guy I knew invited me to his fraternity's semiformal social. I wore a sexy, tight beige dress I had recently bought. My date and I ate at this really nice restaurant before we went to the social, which was held at his frat house. During the social, everything was going well until my stomach became terribly upset. He told me the closest restroom was upstairs. So I ran up there, shut the door, and--honest to God--took the largest dump in my life. I felt relieved until I heard knocking on the door; it was some girl demanding that I hurry up because she needed to go. It became a nightmare when the toilet would not flush. I panicked and searched the room, trying to find something that would help unplug it. The arrogant girl outside the door was getting really impatient, and I was getting desperate. So I opened the bathroom window, grabbed a pitcher I had found under the bathroom sink, scooped up as much as I could, and successfully flung pitcher and all out the window. Then I quickly washed my hands and was out the door. After that, I made out with my date in a corner for the rest of the party. Eventually, we were ready to leave the social and decided to spend the rest of the night at my place. We walked outside and found people laughing hysterically as they crowded around the fraternity's "sacred" lion statue located on the front lawn. My date wanted to see what all the commotion was about, so we walked over. That when I saw that the lion was covered in shit--the shit I had thrown out the bathroom window! To top the night off, the arrogant girl from earlier in the evening spotted me and promptly pointed in my direction, yelling out, "And that's the girl who did it!" My date just stared at me dumbstruck, but how could I blame him? I couldn't even look him in the eyes! He drove me back to my apartment, dropped me off, and (needless to say) has never called me since.

— Denise, 22

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