Angry, Depressed And Hopeless

Ten years ago, I decided I was fed up with the dating and sex scene. So, I became a bit of a shut-in. I played my video games and was fairly content with having just righty-tighty and lefty-loosey to keep me satisfied, if you follow what I'm saying here. After a while, though, the loneliness set in and went from bad to worse. I've always had troubles stemming from violent events that happened when I was a kid. I experienced horrific things that I'll not go into here. I especially had issues with trusting women. I also have many self-esteem issues, although I know that I'm a good, kind-hearted, fairly well adjusted, handy kind of guy. I believe a lot of excess partying had a role in this. I also feel that my lack of contact throughout my life with the opposite sex or just people in general apart from my family played a role in tearing away at my self-esteem. To hell with it, though. I'm not a woosie. I'll just press on and search for that compatible woman that I can love. After what seemed like a lifetime, one day out of the clear blue sky I saw her. I was immediately smitten but not without some caution. I observed her a few times when she'd move things in and out of my place of employment. One day, I peered out a window at work and watched her walk away and toward her car to leave. I blurted out to my boss and the other coworkers standing around me that without knowing anything else about her, I still wouldn't hesitate a second to make her my wife if she'd have me. They all ran to see who it was that I had just declared my love for. The laughter that followed was a bit too loud in my opinion. I could hardly believe what I had just said myself. So, quickly I searched my heart to see if I had actually meant what had just been uttered. Sure enough, there was not an ounce of regret for any of what I had said. The next thing I knew, she was hired to answer phones at our company. I was a little embarrassed but not at all ashamed or scared. Now, I'm not a total idiot. I left this gal alone for a few weeks for the most part. We engaged occasionally in idol chit-chat but nothing flirty or anything. I didn't want to freak her out. Some days before, I had been extremely depressed, and it was apparent to most of the people I worked with. One of them decided to figure out what the fuss was all about. So, I told him about my horrible luck with women and my antisocial decade. I commented about how there was no chance in hell that I could get this girl even if I wanted her (and I did want her) or even if my life depended on it. Between my depression and the sense that I had been shunned by the entire female population I was really down. Frankly, I had become very angry inside about the whole thing. So, anyway, the guy I had been talking to said that he didn't think that she would deny me. His words were just the encouragement that I needed. So, I said, "Okay. Watch." But how was I to go about approaching this out-of-town gal who had been seeing my boss some. The same gal who, I found out later, was in the middle of her second divorce that also involved a kid. Her mother had lung cancer, her kid's health wasn't up to par, and the husband had great insurance benefits through his job. So, the separation had begun to drag into convenience. Who the hell am I to pass judgment when it doesn't make a difference anyway? So, in my mind, this amazing woman was starting to border on heroic. She had conquered hardships in her life that I could scarcely comprehend, yet she was still standing tall. A strong woman this one. Her beauty alone is a sight for sore eyes. She was wonderful. We had all attended a party one night before. It was there that I learned just how amazing she was. But then she showed up at the party with my lard-ass boss. It probably shouldn't have been a big deal, but I was extremely jealous of that fact. I eventually shook it off, and we kind of hit it off as we were getting tipsy at the party. I knew I was falling in love with her. Wow. This was unexpected and certainly was too early for me to be sure, so I held my tongue and said nothing about these feelings for a few weeks after that party. But, back at the party. I had to move my car because the youngest dude there had gotten stuck in the icy yard and was hopelessly stranded there. So, I moved my car. There was no parking allowed on the street, so I cruised down to the gas station, grabbed a soda, and then headed back. When I arrived back at the party everyone was gone. Gone. And she had left with the fat jerk. Don't get me wrong. He's a good guy for the most part. I just don't understand why she would be attracted to that guy instead of me. I could feel my depression going yet deeper. Over the next few weeks, we had a few brief encounters outside of work, and I sent her a few e-greetings which was inappropriate, of course. The boss confronted me and said that I had frightened the poor gal. Crap. That's exactly what I had been trying to avoid. He went on to say that they had been dating for some time before she had been hired to work with us. He further said that he believed things were getting serious. Son-of-a… I knew then that I had to do something. I was horrified that I had spooked her, but just as furious that she couldn't have told me herself. But as I said, I'm not a complete idiot. I sent immediate apologies and roses a plenty. We soon were much more than cool. We had begun to grow closer. It was really kind of scary for me. I had no idea what I was about to get myself into, but I wanted to get down to it despite the risks. Throwing caution to the wind and with insights to her character bordering heroic, I said the words. She didn't say anything. Again days later, these strange words fell out of my mouth and onto deaf ears. But we did spend time together. There were months of very close calls where sex is concerned, as well as some shared precious moments that I will treasure forever. But then things began to break down. I was head over heels at this point after about six months of not so much as a kiss save one hug. In love, though, I had very deeply fallen. But she didn't want to pursue the physical, and I wasn't about to force the issue. In reality, there was no issue to force. She abruptly ended things with me, and I sped on a course of self-destruction. However, I have this love now that I carry around inside of me. I gain some strength from that, but it may be too little too late. I can't take too many more heartbreaks. Pain is all that I have ever really had. It's hurting me to be so very alone even though I'm surrounded by people. The healing that I had so desperately needed had begun only to abruptly end. I love you, Marianne. If you can see this, then you know it's from my heart, and that I would, in one beat of that heart, marry you. Happiness eludes me once again. When is it all going to happen for me I wonder?

— Brooks, 36

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