Dirty Deeds

Back when I was single, I used to go clubbing a lot. I was out one night and vaguely recall talking with two women. When the night was over, I was too drunk to walk. I ended up being carried out of the club by two friends. The next morning, I recalled meeting a tall, dark female I had danced with the night before. I didn't get her number because she was a little bit out of my "norm" in that she was black and I am not. Whatever. Anyway, to my surprise, I got a call from her. I must have given her my number and not remembered doing so. Her name was Roxanne, but she went as Rox. We hit it off over the phone. We talked for over two hours. I was excited! I knew she wasn't my type, but because of how well we hit it off, I didn't care. I didn't have any extra money at the time, so I invited her over to my place for dinner and to get to know one another better. We set the date for the next night, a Monday. My schedule was free except for my friend, Jessica, was stopping over at some point to pick up her CD's that I had borrowed. So, the date was set. Keeping in mind that I was ripped the night I actually met her, all day Monday I was extremely excited! I cooked steak, broccoli, potatoes, and Texas toast. She came to the door right on time. I was shocked when I opened the door and saw her standing there. Now, I didn't say this out loud just because I don't get down with being rude to women, but I thought to myself, "They call you 'Rox'? They should call you Rover because you look straight-up dog!" Reluctantly, I smiled and let her in (I usually don't permit dogs in my house). So, I'm silently convincing myself that I can get through this night until I remember that Jessica is going to stop over. I begin to panic because Jessica is going to see this broad sitting on my couch, and I know I'm going to get teased about this for months! We were eating when I heard the doorbell ring. Before I could properly say hello to Jessica, this beast jumps at the opportunity to meet one of my friends. You know how it is with chicks. They feel they're "in" once they've met your friends/family. I see Jessica looking at me. She's being polite, but I know in her head she's already making up jokes about me! Jessica quickly grabs her CD's and cuts out. Now Rox and I are alone again. We eat and talk for a while, and then she leaves. I honestly don't know how I did it, but I eased out of that situation, for now. The next day, though, she calls me and wants to kick it. I say okay and tell her to call me back around 6:00. My intention, however, is to not answer the phone when she calls back in hope she'll get the hint that I'm not interested. She called around 5:30, so I told her to call back at 7:00. My plan is to just get flakey on her and let her figure it out once I don't take her call. So, I'm thinking I'm home free. Jessica and I were hanging out at my place when there was a knock on my door. The girl didn't call like she was supposed to. She just showed up! She had a bottle in her hand a smile across her face. Jessica leaves, and Rox comes in. She went into my kitchen and started making drinks. We had a few (I just sipped). She was really knocking them back! She said she was getting a little queasy. I ignored her comment hoping that she would just leave soon. I worried that she was setting me up for the old "I'm too drunk to drive home" routine. After a bit, she starts getting all grabby-grabby with me. Now, I said I didn't really like her. I said she wasn't that pretty. I said she wasn't really my type. However, after a few drinks and some persuasion, she starts some brain surgery and I let it happen for a while. Things settled down for a bit and she asked if she could use my bathroom. I said sure and walked her to it. She seemed to be taking a long time, so I went back to check on her. I find her butt-naked in my bathroom, passed out and lying in her own diarrhea. It was all over my new, expensive bathroom rugs. The way I found her laying, apparently she was trying to vomit into my bathtub while at the same time having the runs. I tried to wake her up, but I wasn't about to touch her. So, when she wouldn't wake up after I screamed at her, I just went to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, still drunk and filthy, she climbed into bed with me. What could I do? It was sick! So, at 4:45 in the morning, I woke her up and she left. I had to spend over an hour cleaning and disinfecting my bathroom. I had to throw out my bathroom rugs and bed sheets because they were all soiled. I was embarrassed for her. I wouldn't take any of her calls. She left some phone messages, crying, and offering to replace anything of mine that she may have ruined. I just couldn't do it. Not again.

— Kenny, 29

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