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How an Affair Can Help a Marriage Can infidelity add fizz to a flat relationship? Yes, says Psychology Today writer Michael J. Formica, who daringly insists that a full-blown affair replete with sex, love and text messages can refresh a marriage by adding new energy to a faltering relationship. That is, if it doesn't kill it first.
There are four types of affairs, according to Formica: - Object Affair: The cheating partner retreats from the marriage by spending more time with an object, such as work, video games or a hobby, than with the spouse.
- Sexual Affair: This is the tawdry type of affair with hasty sexual liaisons at the No-Tell Motel. It's all about sex. It's not about love. There is no or very minimal emotional connection or commitment.
- Emotional Affair: The cheating partner never strays sexually, but expends a lot of time and energy with someone else--in person, on the phone, in IM-- bonding in an intense emotional relationship.
- Secondary Relationship: This is the traditional affair replete with sex and love. The cheating partner has a parallel relationship to the marriage--a kind of second, secret life.
It is the secondary relationship--the one with sex and love--that Formica thinks can help a faltering marriage in three ways:- It can add pizzazz to an uncertain partnership, infusing it with new life and energy.
- Cheaters who stop straying for one second and stop to think will realize they are probably missing something in their marriage. What is that missing piece? If that can be identified, it's possible the problem can be fixed--and the original relationship rejuvenated.
- We tend to seek out the same types of relationships over and over again, but affairs are different. Radically different. Formica says an affair can be a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships.
Formica is quick to point out that he is not advocating anyone have an affair. But if it happens, it is possible some good might come of it. "If we look at our choices and examine ourselves in an honest and forthright way, we just might find one of the keys to prompt our own evolution," he writes in Psychology Today. "That evolution might lead us back to a more authentic relationship with our primary relationship, or it might lead us to a more authentic understanding of ourselves that leads us away from that primary relationship. Either way, there is positive growth." --From the Editors at Netscape
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