By Laura Snyder
You left the toilet seat up again. You're hypnotized by the television or that cute girl walking down the street. You just have to adjust your privates (are you checking that they're still there?) in public.
We haven't even gotten started on the litany of stuff that guys do to irk women. Some examples you'd better steer clear of.
Maddening Man Move #1: Your Oh-So Public Bodily Functions
We admire your body confidence, really we do. We're glad you're comfortable with us. And we understand how indispensable - and apparently, greatly amusing - you think things like burping, farting, and nose picking are. But we still find them unnecessary, uncouth, and completely rude. And we think you'd agree after the first time you'd catch us with a manicured finger up our nose.
Maddening Man Move #2: Your Blatant Unawareness of Basic Household Chores
There is a reason we so strongly abhor wet towels on the floor, stained laundry strewn around, and food-encrusted dinner plates left to pile up in the sink - these things are all dirty and eventually will smell. But what really irritates us is the message you're sending with every damp towel, muddy sock, and crusty dish: "Such petty chores are your job, woman."
Maddening Man Move #3: Your Drunken 'Charms'
You drool. You make up ridiculous stories. You paw us awkwardly. And then promptly pass out, wheezing and snoring, your nasty lager-soaked breath hot on our faces. That's charming, all right.
Maddening Man Move #4: Your Selective Hearing
Where did you learn to tune us out so well? It's like your brain is programmed only to pick up certain keywords (like "sex" or "football") and disregard the rest. Maybe we should just start every sentence with, "I'd like a threesome..." Now take out the garbage.
Maddening Man Move #5: Your Blissful Ignorance
How you can notice when we substitute the fat-free ice cream for the real stuff, but not tell that we lightened our hair or lost a few pounds is beyond us. And why do you believe us when we say "there's nothing wrong" when everything about our behavior says there is?