By Patty Lamberti

What woman doesn't love getting presents? In general, this is true. But if you get her the wrong gift, she may feel insulted, or realize that you two just aren't shoppers from the same great big catalogue that is life. If you want your relationship to last, then don't wrap any of these items in a big bow. She may not give you a kiss as thanks, but rather the kiss off.

1. A year's supply of bug spray for those long backcountry camping trips you plan on taking with her this summer.



2. The Misfits box set so she can better understand what a troubled youth you were.



3. A vacuum cleaner.



4. A mirror installed in the ceiling of her bedroom.



5. A naked lady mouse pad.



6. Lingerie that's five sizes too large.



7. A framed photo of your mother.



8. A one-year VIP membership pass to the Sweet Temptations strip club.



9. Stamps.



10. Cash.



11. Framed photocopies of your butt.



12. A dog, even though she's scared of them.



13. Oil of Olay.



14. A dvd and four adult films.



15. One of those mirrors from funhouses that makes her look obese.



16. A new sewing kit.



17. An ankle bracelet like Martha Stewart's.



18. A gift certificate for five free rounds at the local shooting range.



19. A subscription to Field and Stream.



20. A matted, framed and signed glossy photograph of the comedic legend Redd Foxx.



21. A one-way ticket to the mystical holy land of Calcutta.



22. Kleenex.



23. A beer brewing kit.



24. 24 hour access to tech support.



25. A gift certificate for Liposuction.



26. Brochures for breast implants.



27. A padded bra.



28. A copy of the South Beach Diet.



29. A surprise dinner for two at YOUR favorite restaurant.



30. A 3 pack of granny underwear.