1. What's your favorite sport?
I just like smashin' stuff with my cricket bat. Channel-surfing. Hint: ''Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack...'' Football--the real ''national pastime''! Twister's a sport, ain't it? 2. What role do sports play in your life?
Hey, buddy: Schedule this! Left-field... Did you know that Who?s on first? I'd skip my first child?s birth to see the Tyson-Lewis fight. In the name of the pizza, the beer, and the holy third down, amen. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell March Madness is. 3. How many times a day do you think about sports?
Once a day, just after teatime. At least once--I've got plenty time to think while driving the Zamboni. Whenever I'm not having sex... which is pretty much all the time. All the time--even while I'm having sex. You want me to miss the game? Uhh... think? 4. Why do you love sports so much?
Because I loved Magic Johnson's late-night TV show. It's the feeling of the wind blowing through my hair as I cross the finish line. Yeah, I know that's scary! Why, don't you? Gotta problem with that? They just seem to fit my slacker lifestyle. Because my dog is named ''Sports.'' 5. Who's your favorite sports figure(s)?
I love Tiger Woods because he dresses like Mister Rogers. That quarterback for Green Bay, Brett Far-- ... aw, I'd tell you if I could pronounce his name! Kournikova may not be the best tennis player, but I'm watching more than her backhand, if you know what I mean. He may be a little over the hill, but ''MJ'' still got game. Uh, Huey Lewis had that record called ''Sports''...